If Only

She walked into the house. The pain in her chest was so strong. Maybe she was having a heart attack. Perhaps she was dying and maybe she hoped she was.

The walls echoed the sound of her child’s laughter from earlier this morning. She had been goofing off, dawdling at breakfast. Telling jokes, and Sandra had yelled out of irritation. Valerie had spilled her bowl of cheerios. Splashing milk all over Sandra’s new skirt.

Her daughter’s big brown eyes got wide and her lip had puckered out. “Sorry Mommy!”

Sandra covered her ears. “Sorry Mommy!” Her daughter’s voice, the sad look in her eyes kept replaying in her mind, over and over. “Sorry Mommy!” Sandra screamed at the top of her lungs, til she could scream no more.

Why, why hadn’t she kissed her little girl goodbye! She had scrambled to change her skirt and then to get Valerie out the door, before she missed her bus. If only she had held onto her a little longer.

Eric held the tickets in his hand. It was going to be a father and son weekend. His son would have been so excited. He could picture him jumping up and down, his face shining with joy! This would have been his first Nascar race. Eric buried his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking with anguished sobs. If only he had hugged his son Goodnight for a little longer.

Tears rolled down her face as she watched the video for the 12th time. The video that she and her little sister had made last night. They were singing a goofy song together and making funny faces . Oh how tight a squeeze her little sister had given her right before bed. So happy she had been that her big sis had spent time with her. If only she could hold onto her now, she would never let go.

“I want to be just like you when I grow up!” Brett sat on his little brother’s bed. He remembered how he had screamed Brett’s name last night while watching him play baseball.

So proud that his big brother had hit a home run. “I want to be just like you when I grow up.” If only his little brother would have got the chance to grow up. SMACK! The baseball made a hole in his brother’s wall, but the hole in Brett’s heart was a lot bigger. If only there was something that could fill it.

**They say writing is bleeding on paper. Tonight that is true, my heart bleeds for the precious children who lost their lives in Ulvalde, Texas and for the teacher. Please no gun debate comments, thats not why I wrote this. I wrote because my heart needed to express its emotion.**