Gone

via Daily Prompt: Gone

I been trying to think of a post today. I perhaps got a little too spoiled by Colin having stories in my inbox waiting for me this week. This morning there was none, I was on my own! I had 2 phrases that were running through my mind this morning. I didn’t know why I had them but when I saw this word prompt I thought the phrases fit. I will let all of you be the judge as to how well they fit. 

Gone

She was reading the note on the table. Still trying to take it all in. Trying to focus, when all she wanted to do was collapse back in bed and pull the covers over her head. Praying  that this was a nightmare that she could wake up from.

Sorry that I did not say goodbye.  I was afraid if I had stayed that you would have seen the pain in my eyes. That you would have unveiled my shattered soul.”

OH why, why did her dear daughter have to go?  She was still so young. Had just turned 18. Should be ready to conquer the world, but instead was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

What was she to do? She wanted to run after her with every fiber of her being. She felt the adrenaline pumping through her. Thinking she could run however far she needed to go, to catch her. She, the one who never runs! But this was different. This was her child, she was the Mom,  and there was nothing she wouldn’t do.

This child of hers had been so hurt by the world. Hurt and scarred her daughter was.She would  often remind her daughter of the quote, “Broken crayons still color!’She would tell her how there was still so much inside her that she had to offer the world.The Mom remembered the night that they watched the snow fall and how the fresh fallen snow was glistening in the moonlight. How she hugged her daughter tight reminding her of how she could shine bright.

She grabbed her rain jacket and stepped out into the light of dawn beginning to break. The raindrops mingled with the tears that were streaming down her face. She stood there for a little looking down the road. Her daughter was gone, but she would be back. She needed time and she would give that  to her.

Like the dawn breaking, the light would come and shine full force in her daughter’s heart once again. Her daughter would heal and her heart would be strong. “Broken crayons still color”, sometimes they just need time.

Found on Pinterest on 5-4-16. Ernest Hemingway.:

What you Don’t Know…

The arrival is imminent , you are beyond excited! You have been preparing for this day for what seems like forever!

You have  read all you could read, gone to classes, watched all the DVD’s, gathered as much information as possible. Gathered until your  brain was in a state of overload!

Watching others you have  tried to learn from them.

The problem is you can watch and you can read, BUT…there are things that Parenting 101 won’t tell you.

They won’t tell you how the minute you hold your newborn in your arms, that you have committed your heart to walking outside of your body for the rest of your life. They won’t tell you the panic you will feel, when your precious one has been sleeping for so long, without a peep. How you quietly will tip toe to their crib to  look at them, as you hold your breath and check that they are breathing.

No book prepares you for the guilt that can take over, how you can question everything you do. No video can simulate the true worry you have when your little one is ill for the first time. Your brain rushes through all the 101 illnesses that you read about ,so that you know what to do, but now they are all in one big gobbley guk mess in your brain.

Parenting 101 doesn’t say how it feels when it is late at night and you have no idea where your child is, the fear that strikes your heart. It doesn’t say how you would feel a protection so fierce that you would rather cut off your arm then see your child go through gut-wrenching pain. A DVD can’t simulate for you the helplessness you feel at your child’s pain that you can’t put a band-aid on to fix.

Parenting 101 also doesn’t  prepare you for the pride you feel when your child walks for the very first time. How  when you hear them say, ” I love you”, and your heart melts like it never has before.

It doesn’t convey how when that little hand squeezes yours, that your whole body tingles  all over.Your heart feels as warm as the sun and you squeeze that little hand tight, knowing it won’t be little forever.

You are not prepared for the magic of the goodnight hugs and kisses and the fun of reading their favorite stories.

No DVD can simulate for you the true joy you feel, as you are  having a conversation that goes beyond Clifford and animal crackers, a conversation with a child that is growing.  While they are talking , you are thinking, ” Gee, I like this child , a pretty cool kid!” Then the flash of pride  hits you when you can say, “And they are mine! All mine!”

Parenting 101 prepares you for the basics, not for the emotions, not for the reality of being a parent. It can’t describe how many times your heart will break, but it also can’t describe the infinite joys that you will have. Yes many moments of guilt and so many other mixed emotions are in store. But remember this, when your child can look at you with tears in their eyes and say, “I love you ,and I know you love me so infinitely much and always will.” That’s when you know that somehow, someway, amidst all the mistakes, you still must have done something right! That is all you need to know to show you that you can make it through this jungle, called Parenting. There are plenty of scary things in the jungle, but the jungle is full of beauty as well! Don’t miss the beauty or the crazy monkeys. Laughter is a very important tool to keeping your sanity as you go through this  jungle.

 

 

Where Did Clifford Go?

Clifford The Big Red Dog

The bus just pulled away carrying with it pieces of my heart. How can it be a new school year once again? How can I have 2 High Schoolers now? Where did Clifford go?

I remember the first day of Kindergarten for my youngest. She was so excited to be going with her big sister on the big, yellow bus. This was the same girl who up to a week before school started was adamantly saying how she was NOT going to school. I had taken her for Kindergarten Registration and they do a little testing with the numbers and letters. They had commended her on how well she had done and welcomed her to the school. She got up from the chair and said, “Just so you know, I am not going to school this year!” and with that she turned away and started walking out of the building ahead of me! Always was and still is “my says it like it is”, and strong willed child. I was nervously expecting the first day of school to be a real show down, but that all changed when going to Open House at the school. She walked into the classroom and met the girl who would be sitting beside her in class and there was an instant connection. It was truly magical to all at once see her counting down the days til school started so that she could see her new friend.

So when that first morning came the excitement was there, as now it me holding back the tears. Where did my babies go? The bus came and with a hug and a kiss they was trotting  towards the bus and up the steps. I thought maybe my youngest would  get scared and come running back to me at the last minute. I thought she would at least turn around and wave, or blow me a kiss. Nope she marched up the steps like she had been doing it for years, never looking back.

I may have had tears on my cheek, but my heart was smiling, for my children were growing and that is what they were supposed to do. I knew that, we raised them in order to start spreading their wings little by little. I knew that, as I turned on the TV and watched Clifford. Hey, you can’t just go cold turkey to not watching the kids shows that you would watch as you cuddled  with your kids on the couch. But no, I am not watching Clifford this morning,  just remembering. 🙂

Love bears all things….

“The worst battle is between what you feel and what you know.”

Your eyes are brimming with tears, you can’t take your eyes off of it! How can you be holding this newborn baby in your arms? How can it be yours? They look so adorable and you feel that you will be blissfully happy all the days of its life.  How could you not for of course it will be the perfect baby.

2 months down the road, your eyes are brimming with tears and you are  feeling like you are going to lose it for this “perfect” baby has been crying for the past 8 hours straight! “Welcome to the wonderful world of Colic”, your Dr says and you feel scared about the days to come, but you know that you still love this screaming baby no matter what!

3 years down the road your tired toddler does not want a nap! They do not feel tired they say, but you know different and you know how they will be later on if that nap is not taken. In ways you feel it would be easier to not fight with them to take a nap, but in the end you know it will be worth it.

10 years down the road your child becomes a teenager and news flash everything you thought you knew goes out the window!! You thought you had got a handle on this parenting thing but now you  are really beginning to question  your sanity. Or should I say what is left of your sanity. Your eyes brim with tears again. If this describes how you are feeling right now, this post is for you 🙂

We don’t mean to, but you you know we do. We think in our minds of what our children will be like and we kinda plan their future. “Yes honey arranged marriages do still exist, you are marrying the neighbor boy, we decided that when you were 5.”  Ok that problem solved. You feel that as a whole you got things planned out, but then SURPRISE! You realize that your children are not puppets on a string. They have their own minds and they make their own choices. Remember the independence you taught them. “This is how you use a spoon, this is how you get dressed, etc.” and you were so proud to see them growing up.

I will make it clear that I am very proud of my kids! They have come through some very hard obstacles and I wouldn’t trade them for the world! They each have such a unique personality and I could go on and on. What I wanted to stress in this post tho was that there are days, months, years where it can get very scary as a parent. Where things happen out of your control and you feel like , “What did I do? ” and you want to beat yourself up over thinking , what if…BUT you can’t do that! Get rid of those feelings and grab hold onto what YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW you love your kids unconditionally and you KNOW that your kids know that and that knowing your loved is so very important!

You may be saying, “But you don’t understand what I am dealing with?” ” I never thought my child would go through something like this, would get involved with this, would do this?” I want to tell you that you are not alone! That I have been there! That I am there and that there is really probably very little that you can say that I haven’t dealt with yet. It’s hard to open up about painful subjects I know, so I haven’t been real verbal online; but have been gently encouraged to let others know that they are not alone in this battle of raising the next generation. Kids are facing things today that my husband and I never had to face.  Any of you remember that comedy, “A Different World”, from back in the 80’s? The world is very different now!

I just want to encourage you to not give up and to  stop it with the guilt trip! Does no one any good. I mean now if there are things that you truly have to apologize to your kids for than by all means do it! A sincere apology definitely goes a long way, but don’t guilt yourself over your kids struggling with different issues.  Right now your kids need you more than ever. Yes when they were little they needed us to help them learn things, but they need us just as much now. Only in a different way. Don’t give up! Your love and your prayers will get everyone through! Even the darkest tunnel does eventually show light!