I wanted to give a little introduction to this post. This post was written about a week ago, but I wasn’t ready to post it yet. It wasn’t finished. It happened just as I wrote. This wasn’t a planned post. Once again I had sat down to write something else and well… you will see what happens.
I had this saved in my drafts, not knowing when I would post it. It needed more to it. It stirred me, but I wasn’t satisfied with it, and I didn’t know when I would add to it. When I would feel the emotions again that made me start it in the first place. Then yesterday happened.
Yesterday an article came out in our paper talking about our upcoming trial. I wasn’t aware that an article would be posted. Again thoughts started to tumble in my brain. I thought of the post that had been saved. I knew now was the time. Now was the time to pull it out and let my heart finish it.
I sat down to write a post. I turned a song on and I faltered. I got caught up in the song and my emotions started breaking free of my heart. I tried to conceal them. I had a post to write.
My heart started to ache as memories came, and rolled down my cheeks. The trial was coming soon. I would come face to face with the one who I have known now as the sexual abuser of my daughter. Face to face with the one who I used to know as a dear friend. The lump grew bigger in my throat. I tried to swallow it. I had a post to write.
I thought of the people who may not understand our story. The ones who only know half of the story. The ones who don’t want to believe the horrible truth, even if they are reading it in black and white. How can I explain? Is it my job to make them understand?
My eyes grow moist once more, as my heart cries out. How can I make sense of everything? I can’t wrap my mind around the thinking of the one who started this chain of events. The one who would prey on the innocence of young children.
Why did he make the choices that he did? It is like a broken record playing in my mind. The kind you want to shut off, but it hauntingly continues to play. “Why?”, The question that has no answer. At least no answer that I can give.
Only 1 person can answer that question. Only 1 person has those answers locked down deep within the darkness of his soul. Answers that even he may not fully understand if he ever has the courage to find the key that unlocks them.
What do I do with my “why’s”, what do I do with my longing for answers to this mess? Oh, how do I shut off my mind?
I need to focus. I have a post to write.
I don’t like to be someone that is left in the dark. I want answers that will explain the many questions from this Mother’s broken heart.
The words , “Be Still”, echo in my head. Like a gentle whisper from my soul.
“Be Still”, did I hear right? “Be Still!” How? How can that answer the 101 questions that rumble around in my brain. The ones that get rather loud at times, demanding an answer.
“Be Still!” That doesn’t help explain everything. It doesn’t answer the turmoil that swirls around like angry waves inside of me.
“Be Still!” I don’t need all the answers. Having all the answers is not the key to being still! It is about being still, amidst the waves that swirl around me. About breathing in the peace and expelling the troubled thoughts. About coming up for air and taking deep breaths of refreshment.
Taking deep breaths, before being swept under by the waves again.
“Be Still!” I need to rest in the knowledge that my family and I are not alone! We are so grateful for the loving support we have from so many.
The tears slow down and the peace starts to gently roll in. Like God commanded the angry waves to “Be Still”, in the storm that raged. He speaks again in a gentle whisper to my soul. “Be Still!”