But I am not dreaming!

My throat is tight, I feel I am choking on air as my heart beats so fast! The windshield wipers go on in my car so I can see through the blur; but realize that its not the blur of a rain storm. Wipers won’t do anything to stop the shower of tears cascading down my face. My thoughts keep screaming at me to WAKE UP! STOP THIS NIGHTMARE!! But my eyes are open, I am not dreaming! My hand is wet as I wipe my face. The realization that I am awake doesn’t stop the screams. Doesn’t stop the wishing to be able to turn back time, to go back to yesterday when things were simpler.  To be able to know what I know now and stop the avalanche that was slowly building up in size and now falling down the mountain with great intensity!

Being back at home doesn’t stop the pain, I feel the 4 walls closing in. I can’t escape the IF ONLY’s! If only I would have known and I could have stopped it, yes if I would have known then this wouldn’t have leaded to this which wouldn’t have leaded to this and the list goes on. The useless list! For I didn’t know and so I didn’t stop it and now all the wishing in the world won’t fix things. Have you ever tried to wipe up spilled milk by putting it back in the glass? Does it work? Of course not, its spilled, its done and all you can do is be there to help clean up the mess that the spill has made.

I lay prostrate on the floor sobbing til I feel that there are no tears left, wondering how my body can keep making tears. It seems like there needs to be a limit, that eventually they will run dry.

So far they have not run dry and I feel like I have filled buckets. I want to say this is the beginning to a novel.  Did it grab your attention? But I been gently encouraged over time to share my “novel” to be honest with you all and  drop my mask. Interesting enough I had another post ready for today, but late this evening my heart was feeling  nudged. Went to bed and as you see the nudging awoke me. I was awake, for I am more of a night owl anyway, so up I got and here is the result. You know how it is as a writer, when something is on your heart, you gotta write. 

The description above is describing exact emotions that I have been through.  In a way it is a novel, a novel that I never thought would be written. A novel that I am learning day by day to walk through and keep my heart beating. I am able to keep my heart beating with the help of wonderful family and dear, dear friends!  I was encouraged to broaden my circle. To let you all know that as I share gold nuggets to help you all get through each day, that the search for gold nuggets helps me also. Helps me keep breathing and smiling and even laughing.  Laughter has grown even more important to me as this “novel ” takes place. It is like a refreshing well and I drink it and feel revived.

Why do I need the well ?  What exactly is driving me to the display of emotions that grabbed your attention as this post began? That my friends is where it is hard, how much do I share, how vulnerable do I make myself? A question I still ask even as I write.

The glaring statistics shout out at me from the page, I look different places and see the same thing. I want it to be wrong, but its not; it is one of those very sad facts of life! A fact that I have often found discouraging, but it never really grabbed my heart in fear. As with other statistics I felt it would always just be something  I read on a page. 1 out of every 5 girls is sexually assaulted.The number for boys is only a little higher. NO, I am NOT talking about myself,  but the horrible statistic has hit close to home.  It has taken me on a road I never thought I would be on. And that my friends is dropping the mask, yeah there is more details i could share, but I don’t feel that I need to. Maybe at a later date when the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is more imminent. . For I know the light will come !! Until that time the tears will keep falling from time to time , the questions come as the ache in the heart pounds, but also the smiles and laughter will keep coming! My loved ones and I  will keep walking day by day and sometimes moment by moment. I thank you all for the part you play in this journey. For giving me a reason to blog and to enjoy your posts. I see this blogging site as a part of my day that guarantees sunshine 🙂 Thankful also for the readers who just read, because you may not be a blogger doesn’t  mean I am not grateful for you taking the time to read my posts! I appreciate you all and I hope that this post didn’t dampen your spirits. No its not a HAPPY post, but its not a end of fighting, giving up post either. FAR FROM IT! We may not be able to choose the battles we face in this world, but we can choose how we handle them! May this encourage you in whatever battle you may be facing to keep fighting and keep looking for that light. It can shine through the darkness at times you don’t expect! Light is much more powerful than darkness, it can break through!

And as you fight here are 3 songs that I have grown very fond of and want to pass them on to you. May they give you strength! There are more, but don’t want to overload you.

PS. I am definitely gonna need strength when the alarm clock goes off later this morning! That time will come way too early!! For my fellow bloggers, you all better be posting some funny, grab your attention kind of stuff to help me wake up! :Just saying…:) As it is a lovely 2:30 am right now!