But I am not dreaming!

My throat is tight, I feel I am choking on air as my heart beats so fast! The windshield wipers go on in my car so I can see through the blur; but realize that its not the blur of a rain storm. Wipers won’t do anything to stop the shower of tears cascading down my face. My thoughts keep screaming at me to WAKE UP! STOP THIS NIGHTMARE!! But my eyes are open, I am not dreaming! My hand is wet as I wipe my face. The realization that I am awake doesn’t stop the screams. Doesn’t stop the wishing to be able to turn back time, to go back to yesterday when things were simpler.  To be able to know what I know now and stop the avalanche that was slowly building up in size and now falling down the mountain with great intensity!

Being back at home doesn’t stop the pain, I feel the 4 walls closing in. I can’t escape the IF ONLY’s! If only I would have known and I could have stopped it, yes if I would have known then this wouldn’t have leaded to this which wouldn’t have leaded to this and the list goes on. The useless list! For I didn’t know and so I didn’t stop it and now all the wishing in the world won’t fix things. Have you ever tried to wipe up spilled milk by putting it back in the glass? Does it work? Of course not, its spilled, its done and all you can do is be there to help clean up the mess that the spill has made.

I lay prostrate on the floor sobbing til I feel that there are no tears left, wondering how my body can keep making tears. It seems like there needs to be a limit, that eventually they will run dry.

So far they have not run dry and I feel like I have filled buckets. I want to say this is the beginning to a novel.  Did it grab your attention? But I been gently encouraged over time to share my “novel” to be honest with you all and  drop my mask. Interesting enough I had another post ready for today, but late this evening my heart was feeling  nudged. Went to bed and as you see the nudging awoke me. I was awake, for I am more of a night owl anyway, so up I got and here is the result. You know how it is as a writer, when something is on your heart, you gotta write. 

The description above is describing exact emotions that I have been through.  In a way it is a novel, a novel that I never thought would be written. A novel that I am learning day by day to walk through and keep my heart beating. I am able to keep my heart beating with the help of wonderful family and dear, dear friends!  I was encouraged to broaden my circle. To let you all know that as I share gold nuggets to help you all get through each day, that the search for gold nuggets helps me also. Helps me keep breathing and smiling and even laughing.  Laughter has grown even more important to me as this “novel ” takes place. It is like a refreshing well and I drink it and feel revived.

Why do I need the well ?  What exactly is driving me to the display of emotions that grabbed your attention as this post began? That my friends is where it is hard, how much do I share, how vulnerable do I make myself? A question I still ask even as I write.

The glaring statistics shout out at me from the page, I look different places and see the same thing. I want it to be wrong, but its not; it is one of those very sad facts of life! A fact that I have often found discouraging, but it never really grabbed my heart in fear. As with other statistics I felt it would always just be something  I read on a page. 1 out of every 5 girls is sexually assaulted.The number for boys is only a little higher. NO, I am NOT talking about myself,  but the horrible statistic has hit close to home.  It has taken me on a road I never thought I would be on. And that my friends is dropping the mask, yeah there is more details i could share, but I don’t feel that I need to. Maybe at a later date when the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is more imminent. . For I know the light will come !! Until that time the tears will keep falling from time to time , the questions come as the ache in the heart pounds, but also the smiles and laughter will keep coming! My loved ones and I  will keep walking day by day and sometimes moment by moment. I thank you all for the part you play in this journey. For giving me a reason to blog and to enjoy your posts. I see this blogging site as a part of my day that guarantees sunshine 🙂 Thankful also for the readers who just read, because you may not be a blogger doesn’t  mean I am not grateful for you taking the time to read my posts! I appreciate you all and I hope that this post didn’t dampen your spirits. No its not a HAPPY post, but its not a end of fighting, giving up post either. FAR FROM IT! We may not be able to choose the battles we face in this world, but we can choose how we handle them! May this encourage you in whatever battle you may be facing to keep fighting and keep looking for that light. It can shine through the darkness at times you don’t expect! Light is much more powerful than darkness, it can break through!

And as you fight here are 3 songs that I have grown very fond of and want to pass them on to you. May they give you strength! There are more, but don’t want to overload you.

PS. I am definitely gonna need strength when the alarm clock goes off later this morning! That time will come way too early!! For my fellow bloggers, you all better be posting some funny, grab your attention kind of stuff to help me wake up! :Just saying…:) As it is a lovely 2:30 am right now!

 

Advertisements

41 thoughts on “But I am not dreaming!

  1. Oh C! Heart-wrenching. I knew from the first lines you were pouring your heart out. I hope it helped. Most of us have had these times for one reason or another, and we can help each other know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope, there is happiness, there is love, there is recovery, there is justice. Know you are loved and hugged from Mars today.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The “what ifs”, “if only’s”, “should have’s”, “could have’s” are all part of my history, but they ARE history because they are all totally non-productive and self destructive thoughts. The incidents which cause those thoughts are golden opportunities to learn. You cannot go back and change anything, but you can most certainly go forward with increased knowledge. I learned so much over a 10 year period with “my two” that my perspective on my world changed dramatically re what is really important to me.

    This post would appear to be a huge step forward for you, so congratulate yourself. Of course you are on a bit of a wild ride, and it will probably go on for quite some time, but your history will give you new tools to work with; new perspectives on how your time should be used; new priorities in your own life. Embrace the changes and the opportunities that you have been presented with. I have an incredible relationship with my daughter, but I am sure that it would have been very different if various traumatic incidents had not happened many years ago.

    Pity those who never suffer, because they never learn. Have a great day – smile at everybody (it keeps them guessing) – take care. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for those encouraging words!! You are right sometimes the most wonderful things like the incredible relationship you have with your daughter comes out of the most ugliest, traumatic things! :If only…, OOPS, that’s right, not gonna say those 2 words! Thank you for the congrats, it was a big step , you and others helped me do it and I thank you. Tho now I could blame you all for my lack of sleep!

      Yup, I love to keep people guessing 🙂 but now me on the other hand can be driven crazy by having to wonder and guess things. My hubby knows this and that would be why he told me this past week-end that we were going out on Sunday afternoon. No other clues, just going out!!! You know how many things are popping in my brain!!

      Like

  3. Standing with you and “my loves”….STAND FIRM, STAND BRAVE, STAND BLEEDING, STAND BROKEN, STAND SCARRED, STAND LEANING ON THE ARMS OF CHRIST…….but…. STAND!!!! STAND IN GOD’S GRACE, MERCY AND LOVE….and know that you NEVER STAND ALONE!! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it is wonderful that you are writing a novel! If that is the beginning of your novel it certainly is an attention grabber! Your emotions were really coming through! I hate to even think of you going through something so horrible! I hope you are able to wake up feeling refreshed and rested in spite of your late night.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just got home from church and read your post. God does weave His scarlet thread around our lives, doesn’t He? He brought you to this road and He can take you home. You may not even see the path yet…but He does!;)
    Thankful for your words!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Good for you! Although facing painful feelings is hard to do, that’s how the culture changes, when brave people drop the mask and let their emotions show through. Otherwise, things just go on as usual, with a lot of people hurting and everyone afraid to talk about it. Hugs and love ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so proud of you. I know it was difficult to begin, but looks like it started pouring out once you got rolling. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I am sure, especially as you continue, that others will thank you as well, because they’ll feel less alone. It appears you haven’t tagged/categorized this post; I highly recommend you do so that others searching for help can find you. XOXOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  8. For anyone who is interested, you are welcome to reblog this on your site. My one friend pointed out about how she is sure there are others out there who need to hear that they aren’t alone and I would like to get the message out to them. Thanks!

    Like

  9. Sending lots of hugs your way!!! Thank you for trusting us with these feelings and thoughts. Sexual assault is a serious matter and it is heartbreaking when it happens to someone you care about. No one should have to suffer in that way at the hands of someone else. It would be great if we could go back in time to that one instance that would change everything. I wish it was that easy but somehow when I have those thoughts, it reminds me of how much everything is connected and changing that one thing could trigger completely different trauma. It takes time to get past the shock and pain and regret- I’m glad that you are fighting. It means you continue to have hope for a brighter day and as long as you have hope, things will get better. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your thoughts and hugs! I never thought of it that way, but you are right about how if we could go back in time and change one thing, it would affect other things and who knows what may come of that. That perspective helps. Will continue to have Hope and Faith that things will get better and that I just may maintain my sanity through it all! With the help of friends I will 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Hey, I didn’t forget you. Things have been crazy. First, you asked about tagging. When you write the post, look to the left and you’ll see an area where toy can add categories or tags. They help people search for you. I enter words related to the post. So for instance, in this post you could use “sexual assault” or “motherhood” or”parenting” (or all three).

    if you are posting on your phone, the tagging option is a little harder to find.

    Second, I’d like to reblog but noticed a couple typos (leaded should be led, etc) & thought you might want to read thru and see if there are any other changes you want to make. I usually have some whenever I go back to read a post after a bit. Let me know when you’re done and I’ll reblog! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I held my breath hoping this would not be so for your daughters! My heart goes out to you! I could feel how huge this was for you to write. Please know that while your heart aches for your daughters and you are filled with an endless list of what ifs, you are a tremendous healing force in your daughters lives. Having your love and support is priceless for your daughters. This is such a life altering crime. There are no words… this breaks my heart for them, for you, and for your family! My heart reaches out to you!

    Like

    • Aww, you have choked me up! You are right it is life altering, but I know that I know that my girls can shine again! I have always loved the quote Broken Crayons can still color! Thank you so much for your compassion and care!! Thank you for your encouraging words. The journey seems so dark and unbearable at times, but lights come on at times as well and I know we will make it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes they can! And please, if I can be any encouragement or help to you let me know! I started my blog not to just to tell my story and find healing, but to hopefully help others. You are so very brave!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks again for your offer to help. I had tears on my cheeks as I was reading your posts last night, I do believe we were meant to find each other. I started blogging not knowing this was happening with my daughters. Not knowing how within just months things were going to start unraveling in my life. I know I was supposed to start blogging as my outlet to keep me sane!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can understand how much blogging means to you. It must hurt beyond belief to know your daughters have been harmed in this way. At the heart of such abuse is the loss of control and being paralyzed. It causes you to lose the ability to defend yourself in life. Everything becomes uncertain. Having parents who support them and acknowledge what happened can help them to have a better chance of grasping that this was not their fault. I do have a “Contact Me” page on my blog, if you ever wanted to email me.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: The Priceless Moments | Nuggets of Gold

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s